thefaeway (thefaeway) wrote in idealfiction,
thefaeway
thefaeway
idealfiction

Challenge #3

Title: Ashes to Ashes - part two of segment one of the expanded rewrite
Author: thefaeway, akas: Tryna @ Warcry.com, Shadow Spire (FF.net) & David (my name!)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 378

Hm. I ended up writing something that I feel may qualify for this challenge, so that's what's here. It is actually part of the expanded rewrite of my entry to the very first challenge, though you won't recognize much if anything in this excerpt.

It follows somewhat with quote #2 real nice, I think. Have fun reading. :D




A young girl sat on her bed, watching through the window as a group of tired men trudged away from their fields. They were little less than a days walk from her home, but were clearly visible from her second story room.

“Mary,” her mother’s soothing voice interrupted her reverie, “what are you doing? You should be sleeping, doctor’s orders!” Mary gazed at her mother’s dark brown eyes and tossed locks of black hair over her shoulder and crossed her legs.

“I was watching the Wights work in the fields,” Mary answered weakly, resting her head against a pillow propped against the wall. Her mother started and stood rigid.

“Now Mary,” her mother spoke sternly, “what has your father told you about the Wights? They are stubborn, and unwilling to cooperate!”

“It makes me feel better,” Mary closed her eyes and smiled softly, “to see them working hard for their people.” Her mother’s eyes widened and forehead creased.

“Mary,” she took a deep breath before continuing, “you know your father works hard for us. He rules over all of the Shazi!” Mary opened her eyes and looked longingly upon her mother.

“But I never see him doing that! Only that he is always angry with one of the new Shazi over…something or other.” Mary paused and closed her eyes again, her pale cream complexion reflecting both the sliver of sunlight remaining and the sliver of moonlight arriving. Her mother stood thoughtfully at the door of the small room.

“You may not see him working, but you certainly see what he provides!” She gestured to the bed when Mary opened her eyes, “linens from far, far away,” then to the bookshelf sitting next to the bed, full of books. “Mary you have books, and you can read, Mary! Not many girls of twelve can read!” Finally she opened both arms and gestured to the room as a whole, “and Mary, you are probably the only girl of twelve to have her own room.” Mary sighed and closed her eyes, pulling the pillow off the wall and onto the bed.

“Mother,” she mumbled sleepily, gently pulling the linens over her, “I am going to sleep now. Witch’s orders.” Her mother grunted and shook her head as she left the room.
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I love the ending; especially the way she referred to the doctor as the "witch" :).

A nitpick, for something constructive:

in this sentence: Mary gazed at her mother’s dark brown eyes and tossed locks of black hair over her shoulder and crossed her legs.

It seems a bit awkward to me, perhaps because it's a run-on. There's many ways you could play with it. I'm not going to list them - you would probably know them better than I would lol - but just to point it out!

Wonderful job :)
*nods* I got the same comment from someone else. I guess that'll be one of the first things I have to go through and fix sometime later. ^_^

Then again, the other reader thought Mary was calling her mum the witch :P
Admitedly, that was something I wondered about too :). In the end, I figured she wouldn't have called her mom a witch to her face so it had to be the doctor. lol
Pretty much have the same comment =). Loved the ending. Perfect capture of a mother/daughter relationship.

And also, thanks for entering!